Over it and over you

I'm so over people from my past coming from out of the wood works (where exactly is that anyway?) to contact me.

It's getting out of control.....this month alone I've heard from 6 people who I haven't talked to in some months.

That makes no sense. And It's not even like I can appreciate it. Because these 5 folx made their exits in..hmmm, let's just say "not nice ways".

I've over it. And I'm sick of it. I'm changing my cell phone number stat! I'm so over that Facebook foolishness and if it weren't for networking, I woulda been left MySpace.

Best thing about living in LA was that I was a complete mystery to everyone.

I miss that.

And I did have a long chat with my ex best friend. And that was actually worthwhile. It was not good loosing the only person who half way understands me. We ain't tight tight like we was, but at least we're on speakin' terms.

All these other mofos....please get the hell on. I am really becoming extremely anti-social.

People in general are gettin' on my nerves.
Definitely having "I hate everyone" day.

Or week, rather.

[img source-hnabooks.com

I saw Obama!

....and it seriously was the best day of my life.

Well, graduating from college was actually a pretty big day.
And so was visiting Hawaii for the first time.


But seriously, seeing him in person was just....I really almost cried.

This man needs to win.
Fo reals.

Looooove

I got an email today from a man whose last name is Love. What a
beautiful name! If that was my last name, my kids would be stuck with
crazy names. Like...

Sheeas Aulmei Love (She has all my Love)
Sowyn Love (So in Love)
Faith N. Love
Golden Love
Araya Love (array of Love)
Anita Love (I need a Love, lol!)
Etsjus Love (It's just Love)
Goddess Love (God is Love)
....but then that may be strange b/c her nickname may accidentally
become God and that ain't right.

And the sad thing is, I actually really like those names. Don't let me
run into a Tyrone or Jamal Love.

I'm kidding.

Kinda.

My best friend said all of those names sound awful. Black people always
doggin' out originality...

I'm kidding again.

Yours Truly,
Lacka Love

Do Not Answer

I didn't even know whose number it was until I heard his voice,

"Honey Bee...."

The feeling I felt was inappropriate for the work place. But I didn't
care. It was appreciated.

"Honey Bee, I have a client here who only speaks Spanish. Can you talk
to him for me, please?"

What the fu---do I look like the Negro Spanish Translator? I'm sick of
people asking me to do that.

He asks me where I'm living now.

I'm thinkin'... "Well hell, if you don't know my current place of
residency, I guess you don't NEED to know".

He says, "You know I'll be in Tampa for Memorial Day."

I'm thinkin'...."You said that to say what? I know you don't think I'm
drivin' down I-4 to come see you."

He says.."I would love to come visit you. We could go to Uno's."

My thoughts..."That high in calories pizza place? What
the...ughhh...screw you and that pizza.

He says, "So good to hear your voice, baby. I will call you after work.
Bye Honey Bee."

I won't pick up the phone if and when he calls.

There is no need. How can I expect to have someone for my future, when
I'm messing around in the past? It's hard.

Because Lord knows I love hearing his voice, feeling his touch, seeing
his gorgeous locs.

But sometimes you have to ask yourself, "Where will dealing with him/her
get me?"

And if there's hesitation....don't pick up the phone.

..hair, drug busts and copes..

Life is different when you have threaded eyebrows.

I’m not even kidding. Eyebrow threading is the best form of beautification in my book. Take away make-up and hair products, and I think I can live. But I would be insane if someone told me I couldn’t go to Rashmi to get the brows done. Chick makes my face look like art. My Indian women…love yall. Your music, your clothes and your threading.

I am dying.

Yes, it’s that time of the month again. And yall should know by now that I am extremely open with it. So much pain and none of my natural/homeopathic/organic stuff worked. None of it. So I’ve just decided to die every month. Be in pain at least 3 days every month. Doesn’t look like I’m ‘gon be spared the pain. Ever. Maybe childbirth will be a breeze for me. Who knows. And I should be grateful that I have a period. Somewhere someone in the world is stressin’ out….prayin’ for a period, if you know what I mean.

See, celibacy-by-default has its perks. Very few, but hey…

I witnessed a drug bust yesterday.

Quite interesting. Sittin’ by the window typin’ some business and out of nowhere I hear a BOOM!!! Look to my left, and a house is being attacked by at least 40 SWAT folx. I was like, “Daaaaaang!” Cops everywhere. Crime Scene Unit trucks….real life CSI right before my eyes. So I basically sat and watched all of this go on from 2-4-:30 pm yesterday. Got zero work done. I mean, really….I lived in South Central LA and Liberty City in Miami but NOTHING compares to the foolery that is downtown Orlando.

There is something wrong with this city….

I don’t care what nobody say. Don’t let Disney World fool you because somethin’ ain’t right with the East Coast OC.

Whatev. Guess who starts grad classes next weeeeeeeek? Hmm mmm…takin’ one core course in Public Health. So excited to be learning again. Yes, it sounds crazy but I feel empty without “having” to study for something. I feel more myself when I am student. Blame that on the warped educational system of America. Making you feel purpose-less if you ain't goin' in debt to learn. WTF... Being just a regular employee is just soooo unfulfilling. My academic advisor is like, “Oh perhaps you should consider getting your Ph.D..”

Uhhh….hole up, nah….I ain’t say all that.

Although Dr. Rebella does have a ring to it.

.

.

.

.

Mmm.....gotta think about it.

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I’ve straightened my hair and surprisingly love it. Dare I say it but the fro and twists were gettin’ on my nerves. So old and routine. Which is strange for me to say because Lord knows I’m not big into switchin’ up hairstyles. My nappy head friends are trippin'..."How could you straighten your haaaaair?" Chill fools. The beauty of natural hair is that it uhhhh....can't really go away. That's why permies keep permin'.

Nothin' stop the naps.

.

.

.

Although once in high school, a friend and I were going to come up with a perm that would keep your hair straight for at least 3 months. Hmm mmmm...your hair follicles would sprout straight hair. Chicks barely makin' C's in Chemistry....funny.

So I went all crazy and did a Tina Turner look...

And then I tried to look normal..

But I like the Tina Turner style better. Minus the crazy eye make-up. Too many sistas walkin' roun with the wrap. I really like to try and look different. Conforming hurts. So I'm 'gon keep the straight hair look for as long as Floridian humidity will let me. It's actually holdin' up pretty well.

Now why mo men tryna holla? Apparently the natural hair is a repellent. Except to ThatMan. I emailed him a picture of the hair and he said he didn't like it. That natural hair is so much more attractive on women, in general. Really? Well then why yo baby mama (I know, I know) be sportin' the weave down her back and busted wigs?

I know...

That wasn't necessary. I'm just sayin'.

I'm still dying.

The pain intensifies with each approaching minute.

As with everything in life, we must learn to cope. Which is very difficult. I mean, do coping mechanisms really work? Gas prices go up. Cope. Educational programs get cut. Cope. Nursing homes lose funding. Cope. Injustices. Cope.

I'm thinkin' that when people get sick of copin' they start rebellin'.

......and only then will a revolution be among us.

As Messed up as my Momma

<mobile blogging>

The way you grew up reeeeally affects how you live life and your
encounters with people. I am realizing this more and more each day.
Especially now that my best friend and her boyfriend of 2 years are on
the rocks. They are on the verge of a break-up. And yes her selfishnes
is a factor and his communication skills are off but their upbringings
are so intertwined in every aspect of their relationship (I know, right?
How technical....single for 50 yrs and I'm roun here counseling folx).
Two grown people still being affected by Mommy and Daddy....or lack
thereof.

I know there isn't a manual for parenting and kids don't come with
directions but I'm thinkin' God needs to start embedding some cryptic
codes on a babies' forehead that can only be read by the parents. Codes
such as:

-Say I love you daily.
-Hug this child daily.
-Tell this child about their history.
-Never belittle, abuse or emotional torture this child.
-Keep this child from harm's way.

Why are these codes missing? I'm seeing the domino effect of bad
parenting. Take my Father for example....he sucks as a parent because
his parents were too busy for him. In turn, he has always been too busy
for his children.

My best friend never heard "I love you" from her Mother. Because her
Mother's Mother never said it. Parents are rearing screwed up kids only
because they don't know better.

And that mess affects the way you live your life and your relationships.
It is so painful and it frustrates me because I see no breaking of the
cycle. I, unfortunately, believe in divorce. Despite the fact that it
ruined my life, if I go through a sour marriage, I refuse to stay
because of some vows said years ago.

And it's so sad. So sad. And I want to change but I can't. How can
little girls who witnessed physical abuses on their Mothers change? If
that was the only "form" of love they ever viewed, how can you tell them
to get rid of their abusive boyfriends?

Or how can you expect a man to open up to a woman when all his life he
was told to "be a man and not be emotional"? He wants to express himself
but can't for fear of being labeled as a "punk".

We can't change how we were raised. Can't change who our parents were.
Some of us can't heal the pain that we feek from our childhoods. The
missing Father, the abusive Mother, the absent birthday
celebrations....I have tried many years to ease or assuage my pain. It's
not easy. But I'd rather deal with it now and work on my growth than
allow it to present a problem in a relationship.

Or maybe that's just my justification for being single for so long. But
I don't think so. I really appreciate this growth time. Healing the
pains from my youth, on the other hand.....that's another blog in
itself.

Movin' On

I got the keys to my condo yesterday! This is good....I finally have an actual mailing address. I'm dreading this weekend because I have to drive to Tampa, haul my belongings/furniture out of storage, put everything in a U-Haul truck, drive it to Orlando and then put it all in my new place.

Of course all men that could have possibly helped me are ghost. The irony, right? Screw them all. I've moved over 9 times in 5 years with the assistance of at least one other girl friend of mine. I think I can handle it.

Dig this...

TEN random things about me:

1. I eat waaay too much candy but have never had a cavity.
   
2. I sleep in my Mom's bed when I go home to visit.
   
3. I actually MISS college and can't wait for grad classes.
   
4. I may never outgrow kid foods. I eat Teddy Grams, Kix, Kool-Aid, apple sauce, and gummy bears on a regular.
5. I hate bein' up past 11pm. And I can easily wake up at 6am feeling like sunshine!
   
6. I am fascinated by maps and globes.
7. I am fearful of getting corns of my toes. So when I wear heels, I usually take them off the minute I sit down. Pretty feet is a must for me.
   
8. I loooove tattoos. I seriously read tattoo magazines like they are pieces of literature.
   
9. I really can sing but no one knows it.
10. My car is hardly ever dirty. And it always smells good.

NINE ways to win my heart:

1. Make me laugh. I loooove a man this is genuinely hilarious without bein' goofy.
   
2. Love the Lord. A spiritual man is a beautiful thang.
   
3. Love to want to give to others through volunteerism.
   
4. Have the desire to want to go places outside of the US.
   
5. Be a handy man...knows how to fix a car, a computer, a toilet, somethin'!
   
6. Belief in the Black family and wants to have one.
   
7. Continuous growth and progression; individually and collectively.
   
8. Has a passion, a hobby, a talent, a skill. I love a man with a fire.
   
9. Be respect and understanding.
   
   

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:

1. Help many people through Public Health ventures.
   
2. Leave footsteps.
   
3. Be a wife
   
4. Be a Mommy
   
5. Find my ancestry.
   
6. Visit parts of Africa and do some volunteering.
   
7. Turn ClumpsOfMascara.com into a movement.
   
8. Adopt a child.
   

SEVEN ways to annoy me:

1. Be incompetent. I can't stand people who always talkin' bout what they CAN'T do.
   
2. Not follow through...if you say you gon do somethin', do it.
   
3. Be loud in public.
   
4. By always askin' for somethin'.
   
5. Talkin' down to me.
   
6. Incorrect english...like irregardless. That ain't no damn word!
   
7. Play some mainstream Beyonce, Ciara, Dainty Kane bull crap. I haaaaate mainstream music!
   

SIX things I believe in:

1. My Lord, seriously.
2. Whatever you do..will come back to you.
   
3. Helping others in need.
   
4. That everyone is selfish and ONLY concerned about their success and future.
   
5. Life will never be easy.
6. Knowledge is power....and having a degree really don't mean shit.
   

FIVE things I'm afraid of:

1. Failure
   
2. Not staying persistent.
   
3. Having to ask my Dad/step-mom for money again. Never felt so low.
   
4. The pejoration of Black people.
   
5. Staying stagnant.
   

FOUR of my favorite things

1. Music from the 70's. I swear it makes my day.
   
2. Creme Brulee.....better than sex.
   
3. Photos. I love reminiscing.
   
4. My book collection.
   

THREE things I do everyday

1. Baze (2 snaps if you know what that is)
   
2. Thank the Lord for his blessings.
   
3. Stress about money. So sad.
   

TWO things I want to do right now:

1. Go set up my apartment.
   
2. Work on my beauty blog.
   
   

ONE person I want to see right now:

ThatMan. I know, I know, but I miss his locs, his touch, his lips and I just really miss having a Black man in my life. It's been a long time since I've felt that kindred spirit. TMI, uh? Ha!!!

Star6bucks

Instead of frequenting Border's, I am now all over Starbucks. Just for the wifi and atmosphere. I ain't buyin' that nasty coffee.


Them folx on Tom Joyner Morning Show were talking about how da---(still trying to stop cursing, so when you see----that means I wanted to say a bad wordy) expensive Starbucks coffee is. And how much cheaper and better McDonald's is. I could care less either way because I do not like coffee. Ugh.


But I love me some Tom Joyner Morning Show. And Michael Baisden. Black talk shows seriously make work so much better.


Rev Wright is gettin' out of control. I'm just.....really getting annoyed with this presidential election. I go through my moments when I am really into what's goin' on and then a week later, I could care less.


Starbucks do have some pretty decent Italian sodas though....still worth a gallon of gas, but whatev.


Finally got a paycheck! But I won't even be able to enjoy it because 3/4 of it is going to first month's rent, security deposit, electricity deposit....and all that apartment mess. Gotta love it.


I have the worst dandruff of my life. It is awful! Like, bad. My poor scalp is like shedding or ----stuff. I don't get it. I mean, it's really bad.


I'm going to start my fast/detox again soon! I can not waaaait! Last time I went 10 days. Maybe I'll do 30. Such a wonderful experience.


Farewell to vegetarianism. I like chicken. And lean meats are good for you. Plus, it's hard as----mess to eat that way when restaurants soooo don't care to vegetarians/vegans. And the ones that do cost an arm and a leg. I'm still eating organically/healthy. But I'm still not eatin' pork or beef. Life is just better without it and there are so many yummy alternatives.


Just had a flashback. It's been a really really really reeeally long time.



Loooook, it's my bed in LA.

I am still missing Los Angeles. I miss teaching my kids.
I wonder how they're doing.


For Teacher's Appreciation Day, they got me a tres leche cake.


I cried. Because that was the sweetest thing ever.

Some man workin' in Starbucks just sneezed and didn't even wash his---hands. Nasty mofo. White folx need to learn that whole "covering your mouth when you sneeze or cough". They still ain't got that down.

Not just White people.....all people but they just seem to not really unders-t---yeeeahhhh.



Like I said, it's been a really long time.
Really really long time.

The AmeriKKKan rule

This Sean Bell case is hitting me harder than I thought it would. After first hearing that these police officers were acquitted of all charges, I was extremely passé. I was hurt and bothered by it but not surprised.

But it just dawned on me. I’m a part of the problem. Yes, I blame myself. I can’t go into too much detail about my job, but I work in governmental affairs; namely the Florida State legislature. I receive phone calls and emails all day from distressed constituents of this Floridian district. I hear about so many injustices and unfair rulings. And what am I doing about it? Why am I here? I don’t believe in this justice system. I don’t believe in these politicians. I don’t believe that my vote counts and I don’t believe in America. I firmly believe that if you are not a part of the solution, YOU ARE A PART OF THE PROBLEM.

I sat in tears stunned by this verdict. I felt like I was Sean Bell’s fiancé. He could have been my brother, my best friend, my neighbor….I have zero faith left in this country. I am American by birth, but not by design. I am not proud.

…..but since I’m here, I have to make the best of things. Make the best of this recession and these high gas prices and my debt and this poor health care system. Make the best of the violation of my peoples’ rights….I don’t see how people don’t get it. All caught up in billion dollar sports and movies---that is all there to blind you. You are too concerned about the playoffs than to realize that gas went up 3 cents over the weekend. You are too excited about Beyonce’s marriage to notice tax increases. You watch The Hills like it relates to you.

See where our focuses are? They got us right where they want us. And we really have no one to blame but ourselves.

But not me. I won’t be that way. I have no choice but to live in this country right now, but I won’t be like the typical American. I won’t be selfish and worry just about MY hustle. Me being rich isn’t satisfying when I know somewhere in this country, someone won’t be able to eat. Or get a shot that could save their life.

Now more than ever am I realizing that my place is in Public Health..especially the Community and Family sector. Only when I’m helping others am I content. Doing for myself really doesn’t feel THAT good. Doing for others….

…..that’s just where I need to be. And I think that’s where the most of us need to be as well.

The weekend!!

How can you shoot an unarmed person 50 times and get away with it? This Sean Bell case really has me buggin'. Justice not for all. Exactly how am I supposed to be patriotic and "proud to be an America"? I mean really...

I hope folx know what I'm talking about but if not, you can read about it here.

So upsetting.

In other news, the weekend is here and I couldn't be happier. I have to head to Tampa to participate in this seminar. I'll be teaching young ladies about make-up and beauty. Which is funny because I don't even wear that much make-up anymore. Haven't worn foundation in months. Ugh....that will be interesting.

ClumpsOfMasara.com has business cards. You know, networking, networking. Which also means that this blog will eventually be private since it can be viewed from my COM.com website. Gotta keep business away from the personal, ya dig?

See my 10 minute made quick logo...

I plan on doing something a little more professional, but this was done at the last minute to whip up some business cards. That and I suck in Photoshop.

I booked myself a hotel for when I go to Tampa. Of course I can't afford it, but I need a vacation. Alone. I signed a lease for my condo but my realtor is taking entirely too long to handle that. So yes, in the meantime, I'm still bummin' on the BFF's BF's sofa and have been for 3 weeks. Not a good look.

I extended the credit limit on my credit card *gulp* But I don't even care. Hell, I got to live. Remember, I was unemployed for an entire month. That's a looooong time. And I still haven't gotten a paycheck from the new job. Next week, next week.

I'm excited about this hotel. May meet up with a few friends and will definitely be going to my Tampa church, which I miss oh so much.

Why is it that every time I'm in a hotel by myself, I feel like callin' up some dude. That's so fast. Something about hotels.....they just really make me lust for some romantic getaway.

...I need to get it together.

Gotta go get my brows threaded. And buy a cute fit for this event tomorrow. I hope my girls aren't trying to go to no club this weekend. I'm really not in the mood for that. Loud music, drunkiness, foolery. My nerves are shot. I may hit up that cute little "no Black people but who cares" jazz spot. The atmosphere is beautiful and they make fab sangrias. Plus I ain't got to worry about standin' on heels fearin' gettin' corns.

Because corn-less toes are so important to me.

And since I drink like 4 bottles of water a day, I'm trying to be conscious on this recycling tip. Florida, however does an awful job at providing recycling bins at commercial settings. What's up with that?

On a Chaka Khan wave today. I love this woman and probably the only person under 25 bustin' her old and NEW albums. She is amaziiiiing. Meanwhile, Rihanna still can't sing and Mariah Carey's music doesn't mature.

I'm so mean....haha, oh well.

Got a stuffy nose and draining sinus....no Jesus, please no. Popped an extra Vitamin C pill just in case.


It's the weekend and for once, I'm actually lookin' foward to it. And I'm not cursing so much which is good because I was really getting bad at one point. I don't mind the occassional curse but I was gettin' out of control. Does anyone have those friends that say 3 curse words in one sentence? Like...


To h*** with that f*** s***.Yeeeahhh, I said that yesterday. That's just too much.

Wonderful thangs...

I absolutely love Obama and will continue to support him no matter what.



Please Lord....this man needs to win. We need some change. I would take off work and spend my last dime going to his inauguration. What history.....I would be extremely elated. Words can't express how much I want this man to win.

And even if he doesn't get the nomination, yall still got to vote. I can't stand that Hil character and she seems like a malicious ole' lady, but we still have to vote.

And I'm thinkin' that all us bloggers need to go to this:

Imagine the fun! And the networking....and we can all go and get our sexy on and go to some fab hot spot in Atlanta. ThatMan lives in Atlanta so I wouldn't be heading to my hotel one of them nights. LOL!!!! I am soooo playin'.

Kind of, but not really.

But seriously, we could go to Gladys Knight's Chicken & Waffles and experience some true 'itis. ATL is a bit played out to me since I'm on the East Coast and have been enough times to be satisfied, but I would love to go with a new crew of folx. I am actually going to make plans to go and would love for yall to go as well. Neva know who you may meet. Afrooooooo...

The AIDS Man....

Please watch this.....it broke my heart. Because even if it is a joke, that really isn't anywhere near funny.

Black people, get it together!

Nas's new song is the reason why I am and will probably always be anti-mainstream....

Well, he ain't exactly mainstream.

But still....who in the hell titles an album and song, "N*gger"?


I can't even type the word because I swear I feel the pain of my ancestors. I mean, really....I could care less that the song has a "meaning" and is teaching a lesson. How exactly do we explain this to our little Black children....or hell, the little White children?

I'm so over the N-word.

I'm sick of people using it. I'm sick of people justifying it. I'm sick of people actin' like it's a term of endearment. That word killed people. That word is of hate.

"Oh, but my nigga is different....it's like sayin' brother." Negro, please. That's some ig'nant mess. Black folx dun been through some shit and leave it to us to condone a word that represents so much hate.

This just has to be the end of the world as we know it. Foolery has reached an all time high. As have gas prices. As have homelessness and the price of milk. I just....

I mean, I really think you can get peoples' attentions in other ways. But to.....I mean, do my people know how much that hurts us as a people? How do I explain people wearin' "N*gger" shirts to my 9-year old sister? Or my 80-year old Grandmother? Or to my Japanese friends?

How can I make it make sense? How can it possibly make sense? It hurts being a conscious being. I honestly have heart-aches when I see things like this. Things like this surpass my impecunious state. It's as if nothing else matters. That's how much I care about my people who obviously don't care about themselves.

We really have to do better. And in every area. In our appearances, in the way we speak, act, think and live. Where are our priorities? Why are we making ignorance such a fad? Black folx all excited about the possibility of a Black man being president but that ain't 'gon do jack for the coonery that is Nas and counterparts.

I love me some Obama too and I believe he can do a lot for this nation but I don't care how powerful he is, he can't clean up the way we see ourselves. That starts with us. And when will us realize that?


....I really don't even want to be apart of this generation. I don't feel any connections with rap, BET, urban wear, celebrity lifestyles, sports, 22's or any of that mindless bull crap. I am more concerned with ballroom and jazz music, learning languages, helping feed people....does ANYONE care about that?

I just...
I don't know what to say.
Jesus just needs to hurry up and come back before I die from shock.

This don't make no dang on sense.




Image courtesy: theybf.com

Love

I’m thinkin’ that if ThatMan could sing, he would sound a lot like Will Downing. Will Downing has a beautiful voice. I have this thing for men with deeper voices. That’s how ThatMan got me. I mean, really….this man’s voice was just so…..deep. It drove me nuts. *sigh*

…drove. Past tense.

It has been too long. For a lot of things too. And I’m not mad or annoyed, just cognizant of the fact that it has been too long. I’m trying to a patient mature woman when I really just feel like this...

I feel like throwing the biggest temper tantrum. I'm thinking that the longer it takes for something to happen in your life, the more appreciative you will be of it. And "it" could be anything. A job, a soul mate, a car, a way, a soul mate.....oh, said that one already. So while I am anxious, I think I just need to stay patient.

Listening to Will Downing ain't really helping. It has me feeling all lovey dovey and wanting to love someone. But it also makes me sad because.....I mean, I'm human, right? And that "single and happy" gig can only last for so long. Deep down inside we all want someone....I think.

And everyone around me has relationship problems. They aren't happy. Which is normal, I know. But I wonder if they know how blessed they are to have someone. We really need to cherish the ones we have because others would do anything to have that love. That un-perfect love. That "better than nothing" love.


That love.....period.

3rd Nappiversary

Going natural was seriously one of those things that only other nappturals can relate to. Most people don't understand the big deal about hair and why folx have to make videos about it. A lot of my friends looked at me crazy when I showed them my first nappiversary video. They said, "It's cute, Brit....but it's just hair." Yet it means so much more to me. The experiences I went through with going natural have been life changing.

After all going natural was one of the hang-ups in my previous relationship. My hair is so powerful that it it warrants break-ups!

Don't have the best relationship with my hair these days because I don't spend the time actually doing it, but my crown has continued to shine. I'll be locin' it up soon and just....I can't wait. Until then, I'm going to keep re-living these memories.